*2013*
This year was off to a great start. I spent New years eve dancing the night away, and having fun with my girls. Spring semester came around and I realized I had to get my shit together if I ever wanted to go to grad school so I quit my job and relied on my parents for help. I was broke as can be but I was happy. I spent two weeks over the summer with my mom, having quality time with her. Towards the end of summer I got back into Tae Kwon Do, and that led me to love. I found a guy that had everything I ever wanted in a man, and we were amazed at having found each other. It was great, at least it was until the end of the year. I was graduating college and facing a bunch of decisions. One decision changed everything.
*2014*
I've graduated college, only to work as a receptionist. Have not applied to grad school because I don't have enough research experience to even come close to submitting a decent application. I got injured and am not currently doing Tae Kwon Do anymore. I lost a lot of weight, cried almost every day for months, and lost my position as a research assistant. Oh yeah and no more boyfriend. So what happened? What's the story? well...we all have choices to make, and man...do we learn from them. I know I have.
Things were not easy.
Shit happened.
A lot of shit happened.
August 2013 and August 2014 could not be more opposite than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Like seriously.
One year I was happy, broke, on my way to graduating college, knowing what the game plan was and executing it. The next year I'm totally lost, hurt, sad, and angry but financially ok.
LOL guess there is some truth to 'mo money, 'mo problems.
No but seriously here's what happened; one decision changed everything. It led to world war 178324, it led to a lot of pain, sadness, loneliness, and rejection. It led to crying, and worst of all it led to a lot of fighting.
Fighting that ultimately resulted in the ending of my relationship.
I really should have known better....like seriously Karina.
I wish I could say all that happened, but really its not important anymore. Or at least right now I don't want to talk about it.
Suffice to say that I am sitting here writing about this because it has taken me a while to come to terms with what happened and I hope that this helps someone out there realize that they are not alone.
I never really understood how people could get so angry that they don't realize the consequences of their behavior, that is until I myself became angry.
I was angry at a lot of different things. I was angry that I was constantly made to feel like I was the problem. I was angry that no one respected me. I was angry that my life was going no where. I was angry with my decision not going the way I planned for it to go.
You see, I am pretty good at thinking about the consequences of my actions and not doing things on a whim.
BUT this time, I didn't fully think it through. Mostly because I saw all the positive gain to be had, and saw very little negative....
....and also because I did not imagine that people can really be that mean.
Anyway, like I was saying. I am usually good at choosing my options carefully. But this time I decided not to be a control freak, just to live....not to let my anxiety take over...not to be controlling.
So naturally, it came back to bite me in the ass...or so i feel.
I am not one to back down from my choices, but this one really has made a huge difference in my life.
I look back and I wonder how I got here.
I wonder what happened to the happy 22 year old Karina.
I wonder how I got so angry...how i got so controlling.
And then I realized the truth.
I made a choice that I was in full control of. No one else should have gotten in my way.
But when I lost control over that decision, it was like I went psycho-desperate panic mode.
Everything was falling apart, and I was so desperate to have control over my life that I was blinded to what I was actually doing; making shit worse for myself.
Everything was spiraling out of control and somewhere along the way I lost myself. I was no longer happy. I wasn't peaceful. I wasn't patient. I was miserable.
With good reason, but still.
Thinking about it, I can picture myself losing control of everything happening to me, and just going crazy....no like seriously, I picture myself on a jet plane thats spinning out of control, and I am screaming and crying hoping it stops, and then it starts raining, and as its falling spinning out of control, I am there trying to take control of the plane but nothing works. The engines are fine, there's gas in the plane, Nothing is wrong. Except the plane won't stop. And I'm freaking the hell out. And when I call the towers for help, no one answers. Until I finally get a response; just wait....be patient.
....be patient.....BE PATIENT!?!?!?!?!....f*#$ you! I am on a plane, spinning out of control, its friggen raining so I can't see if I am going to crash into some other plane..or mountain..or alien...or teletubby..lol random....anyway...!!!!!! HOW CAN I JUST WAIT! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE STUPID PLANE!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! NOW!...
alas, the plane didn't stop. The more I panicked, the more I tried to control it, the worse it got and the worse I got.
So what happened?....I was forced to be patient once I lost myself completely.
Because let me tell you something...one does not survive a freak show event like that and come out fine. oh no. it changes you.
Nothing I did helped. and when I was offered help, it was always the same thing. Just do nothing.
so i was there, on this freak show airplane, being told to do nothing.
Naturally, I got angry....cuz what do u mean do nothing!? Nothing is going right. SOMETHING needs to get done.
Now the plane stopped. but it wasn't without collateral damage. I lost myself in all the chaos and as a result I lost things that I had.
So here we are..here I am, trying to get all the pieces back together. Wondering why me. Why did I lose control, everything was fine and accounted for. Why now.
I may never get the answer to these questions. But if you are in a similar situation, I just want you to know that you will survive the sudden chaos, but please. please do not lose yourself in the midst of all of it. We all wish we can control and account for every single factor but sometimes we can't.
And sometimes we can't sit there and do nothing. My advice is to do what is best for you. Even if it means walking away from things you hold dearest to you. Don't sacrifice yourself. Don't put yourself in more danger. I could've stopped the plane if I had just focused on not losing myself, and staying true to myself. Not letting myself get angry. If I had just walked away...then maybe I would have gained full control of my life back.
And here I am...I survived a crazy situation, and staying away from the remains of the airplane. I realize this may not make much sense, but this is how I see things. If you are in a similar situation, then I am sure you will understand. If not, then thanks for reading anyway.
Best,
Karina
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