Losing My Best Friend

Losing your best friend can be hard...
I know its been difficult for me.
I don't know about you but my heart is full of grief.

I know I wasn't myself for a while...I lost myself in the middle of the chaos.
Things got really bad...everyone became very emotional.
Everything was destroyed for me....
And now that the dust has settled, I can't believe what is before me.
I see this stranger, raising their voice at me, having little patience with me, who loses respect for me.
...a stranger......a bully.
 All I want to do is cry and mourn for my loss.

I think back to a time where we used to laugh and play,
like the day we had a picnic and watched a movie in the park and laid there until dusk...
When we thought alike, laughed at the same things, and understood each other.
I remember us saying how planets aligned and volcanoes erupted the day we met...
I still remember that morning...TKD practice...how you introduced yourself to me...
How we kissed at the gas station after practice....
A teacher, A sparring partner, A leader, A Best Friend.
...You looked at me one day and told me that you pictured me in a wedding dress....

But all of that is just a memory...
It hurts
Everything has changed...nothing is certain
And yet i am certain that you are gone my friend...
I'm left with these beautiful memories I mourn.
I will miss who you used to be, and how we used to be.
But today is a new day and I always say good luck to you, wherever you go.
Good bye, my best friend. 

This is a new beginning, no matter how difficult it may be.

I know I deserve better. 

I deserve a best friend, not a bully.

-Karina

 

Being Valued

Hey! Hope you are having a good day, I know I am...The sun is out, I have ten toes and ten fingers, my family is alive and well, couldn't be more blessed.

Today I wanted to talk about being valued.
When someone values you it usually means that they appreciate everything you do for them and reciprocate it. But what happens when you aren't being valued? When someone is giving you less than what you deserve?
I struggled with this for a while, mainly because I wasn't sure of how to know the difference between knowing what you deserved and feeling like you deserved more. What?
I know it sounds crazy but hear me out. There is a difference between knowing what you deserve and thinking you deserve more in a conceited narcissistic way. I have standards, most people would say they are very high. I tell those people that I know what I deserve, and usually their response is that I am on a high horse thinking I deserve the best. If you have gone through this, I am sure you at some point have struggled with this idea too.
If I know what I deserve and my standards are high, then I am being to conceited.
If I know what  I deserve but lower my standards then I am not conceited but I am NOT happy.
There came a point where I started to listen to other people and decided that maybe my standards were to high and I started to accept things that weren't up to my standards but also weren't bad.
I realized that I wasn't happy and I couldn't continue like that. So I went back to knowing what I deserved and not taking anything less.
Which brings me to today, recently I have been going through some things and I realized that I have been accepting less than what I deserve from someone. I knew it was happening but I kept making excuses for why I was getting what I was getting, either the time wasn't right, or the person was going through a rough patch etc. It got to the point where I realized that I cannot continue to accept less than what I deserve. Does this make me conceited? No, I don't think so. Does this mean this person is giving me bullshit and treating me like crap? No definitely not, but it also doesn't mean that they are giving me what I deserve.
I know I deserve better. I know I am worth it. I know that the only reason that this person is giving me less than what I deserve, is because I am letting them. I know I am not happy with what  I am getting, I feel like I am not being valued. The only way to change it, is to walk away.
So I leave you with this quote from Oprah's magazine-May 2014.
"Nothing is more damaging than knowing you are disposable. When you give your all to someone or something but can see plain as day how little it matters to whoever is on the receiving end, it's time to go."

I know I give my all, but I also know when someone undervalues it. Reading that quote today inspired me to write this post. I hope this helps anyone who is going through what I went through, or maybe just reaffirm that you deserve more. Don't settle. And best wishes to you all.

Thank you for reading,
Karina

Communication or Termination...?

Hi.
First off, thank you for stopping by my blog. It really means a lot to me. I know it's new but I am trying to get my thoughts and feelings out there, and hoping that someone can relate, a la Carrie Bradshaw lol

Anyway, the real reason for this post is because I honestly have no clue what I am doing at this point.
Everyone claims that communication can help solve everything. It can mend broken fences and even save them from breaking in the first place....BUT what do you do when it seems like its the very thing that is tearing your relationship apart? (and not just romantic ones, but friendships and family ties as well)
Hear me out.
I am trying to be more open with someone, and they are doing the same with me but it is getting to the point where I am starting to think that this is not a good idea. And I am starting to re-think voicing myself and my feelings because every time I do, it is creating a problem with this person.
The funny thing is that he feels the same. Everytime he has something to say, it usually creates a problem for us as well. And yet we still try.
I am at the point where I am just trying to be as honest as possible but remaining quiet on most of my thoughts and feelings. What really doesn't make sense is how I am making this person feel like they can't talk to me...
I am one for understanding and compassion and empathy.
I like to think I am patient.
I just don't understand. I really don't.
And the more I try, the more I give up hope on trying to understand.
This person feels like they can't tell me how they feel or what they think because I give them the impression that I don't like what they feel or think and dismiss it.
But I honestly don't feel that way.
I am doing the best I can to understand this person's point of view.
It is not like I hate what they say or what they feel or what they do. Sometimes I don't agree with them or I try to make them understand that that is not what I intended. Sometimes I don't like what they are telling me but I don't feel like I dismiss it, instead I think I embrace it and tell the person that they shouldn't have to tolerate my b.s.
I honestly feel like I am stuck. If I agree with this person, then somehow I am patronizing them. If I disagree then somehow I am telling them I don't like their honesty.
Now, I am just saying F*$%# it. This communication thing is really a one way street to terminating this relationship. 
It's not saving anything.
It's not solving anything.
It's not helping anyone.
It's hurting and damaging us.
So what's the point? I am trying here...and he is trying too.
But at the end of the day, we are accomplishing nothing. And I am just telling him to forget about everything. I am sure that anyone else would have left by now. No one deserves to be patronized or ridiculed or be dismissed. Everyone deserves to be heard. I guess it's true...

Silence is golden.

Best,
Karina

One Year, Major Difference

*2013*

This year was off to a great start. I spent New years eve dancing the night away, and having fun with my girls. Spring semester came around and I realized I had to get my shit together if I ever wanted to go to grad school so I quit my job and relied on my parents for help. I was broke as can be but I was happy. I spent two weeks over the summer with my mom, having quality time with her. Towards the end of summer I got back into Tae Kwon Do, and that led me to love. I found a guy that had everything I ever wanted in a man, and we were amazed at having found each other. It was great, at least it was until the end of the year. I was graduating college and facing a bunch of decisions. One decision changed everything.

*2014*

I've graduated college, only to work as a receptionist. Have not applied to grad school because I don't have enough research experience to even come close to submitting a decent application. I got injured and am not currently doing Tae Kwon Do anymore. I lost a lot of weight, cried almost every day for months, and lost my position as a research assistant. Oh yeah and no more boyfriend. So what happened? What's the story? well...we all have choices to make, and man...do we learn from them. I know I have. 

Things were not easy.

Shit happened.

A lot of shit happened.

August 2013 and August 2014 could not be more opposite than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Like seriously. 

One year I was happy, broke, on my way to graduating college, knowing what the game plan was and executing it. The next year I'm totally lost, hurt, sad, and angry but financially ok. 

LOL guess there is some truth to 'mo money, 'mo problems. 

No but seriously here's what happened; one decision changed everything. It led to world war 178324, it led to a lot of pain, sadness, loneliness, and rejection. It led to crying, and worst of all it led to a lot of fighting. 

Fighting that ultimately resulted in the ending of my relationship.

I really should have known better....like seriously Karina.

I wish I could say all that happened, but really its not important anymore. Or at least right now I don't want to talk about it. 

Suffice to say that I am sitting here writing about this because it has taken me a while to come to terms with what happened and I hope that this helps someone out there realize that they are not alone. 

I never really understood how people could get so angry that they don't realize the consequences of their behavior, that is until I myself became angry.

I was angry at a lot of different things. I was angry that I was constantly made to feel like I was the problem. I was angry that no one respected me. I was angry that my life was going no where. I was angry with my decision not going the way I planned for it to go.

You see, I am pretty good at thinking about the consequences of my actions and not doing things on a whim.

BUT this time, I didn't fully think it through. Mostly because I saw all the positive gain to be had, and saw very little negative....

....and also because I did not imagine that people can really be that mean.

Anyway, like I was saying. I am usually good at choosing my options carefully. But this time I decided not to be a control freak, just to live....not to let my anxiety take over...not to be controlling.

So naturally, it came back to bite me in the ass...or so i feel.

I am not one to back down from my choices, but this one really has made a huge difference in my life.

I look back and I wonder how I got here.

I wonder what happened to the happy 22 year old Karina.

I wonder how I got so angry...how i got so controlling. 

And then I realized the truth.

I made a choice that I was in full control of. No one else should have gotten in my way.

But when I lost control over that decision, it was like I went psycho-desperate panic mode. 

Everything was falling apart, and I was so desperate to have control over my life that I was blinded to what I was actually doing; making shit worse for myself.

Everything was spiraling out of control and somewhere along the way I lost myself. I was no longer happy. I wasn't peaceful. I wasn't patient. I was miserable.

With good reason, but still.

Thinking about it, I can picture myself losing control of everything happening to me, and just going crazy....no like seriously, I picture myself on a jet plane thats spinning out of control, and I am screaming and crying hoping it stops, and then it starts raining, and as its falling spinning out of control, I am there trying to take control of the plane but nothing works. The engines are fine, there's gas in the plane, Nothing is wrong. Except the plane won't stop. And I'm freaking the hell out. And when I call the towers for help, no one answers. Until I finally get a response; just wait....be patient.

....be patient.....BE PATIENT!?!?!?!?!....f*#$ you! I am on a plane, spinning out of control, its friggen raining so I can't see if I am going to crash into some other plane..or mountain..or alien...or teletubby..lol random....anyway...!!!!!! HOW CAN I JUST WAIT! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE STUPID PLANE!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! NOW!...

alas, the plane didn't stop. The more I panicked, the more I tried to control it, the worse it got and the worse I got.

So what happened?....I was forced to be patient once I lost myself completely.

Because let me tell you something...one does not survive a freak show event like that and come out fine. oh no. it changes you.

Nothing I did helped. and when I was offered help, it was always the same thing. Just do nothing.

so i was there, on this freak show airplane, being told to do nothing. 

Naturally, I got angry....cuz what do u mean do nothing!? Nothing is going right. SOMETHING needs to get done. 

Now the plane stopped. but it wasn't without collateral damage. I lost myself in all the chaos and as a result I lost things that  I had.

So here we are..here I am, trying to get all the pieces back together. Wondering why me. Why did I lose control, everything was fine and accounted for. Why now.

I may never get the answer to these questions. But if you are in a similar situation, I just want you to know that you will survive the sudden chaos, but please. please do not lose yourself in the midst of all of it.  We all wish we can control and account for every single factor but sometimes we can't.

And sometimes we can't sit there and do nothing. My advice is to do what is best for you. Even if it means walking away from things you hold dearest to you. Don't sacrifice yourself. Don't put yourself in more danger. I could've stopped the plane if I had just focused on not losing myself, and staying true to myself. Not letting myself get angry. If I had just walked away...then maybe I would have gained full control of my life back.

And here I am...I survived a crazy situation, and staying away from the remains of the airplane. I realize this may not make much sense, but this is how I see things. If you are in a similar situation, then I am sure you will understand. If not, then thanks for reading anyway.

Best,

Karina